The Con Artist

In early 2014 I took my eldest daughter down to London for an audition to a drama school and while she was busy a-singing and a-dancing and stuff I went for a mooch up the North End Road from Fulham Broadway towards West Kensington. It was there that I met The Con Artist.

Now I wobble along a social line that wants to see the best in everyone but I can still be fairly cynical. At the time I was also working for Nottinghamshire Police, so I was used to seeing all kinds of scam activity that the detritus of humanity throws at the rest of us. However, whilst paused to check my phone, I was approached by...

... a middle-aged woman.


Rule Number One - Looks Can Be Deceiving
Don't expect The Con Artist to look like some kind of spiv, a Flash Harry, a wide-boy. This woman was probably in her fifties and had a kind of scruffy middle-class air about her. You know, probably a nice upbringing but it's all gone a bit sad and pear-shaped. It was January so she was wearing a big coat, hat and scarf along with several rings that could have been family heirlooms but were probably cheap costume jewellery. And she was probably only about 5'6" or so. Not at all threatening to a six foot bloke who's maybe ten years her junior.


Rule Number Two - Listen To Their First Words!
Her first words to me, literally before "hello" or "excuse me", were: "I'm not a beggar". It had not occurred to me that she would have been, but my Spidey-sense should have been tingling a bit more than it was. Beggars are pretty up front about taking money off you whereas she threw in a fair amount of guff before getting down to scamming. So after covertly stating an intention to relieve me of some money by means other than begging, she then asked if I was "from around here". I assumed that this was because she was lost, but no. This was because she wanted a wide-eyed innocent. I was ideal fodder, down from the Midlands for one day. She then attempted to ingratiate herself with me by complaining about not seeing anyone else 'English', which pretty much fell flat on its face as I don't generally bond over casual racism. She regained her thread and, deciding that I was a possible mark, began her sorry tale.


Rule Number Three - Look Out For Convenient 'Justifying' Props 
Her car had run out of fuel and she had attempted to buy some petrol from a garage 'down the road' but they wouldn't let her fill her lemonade bottle with an explosive flammable liquid. At this point I nodded, knowing about this law. She produced the lemonade bottle as prop number 1, but the most significant items were the keys she was clutching in her right hand. "Of course she's telling the truth," you think, "she's got a whole load of keys in her hand and some of them are definitely car keys." Yes, but if you think about it, if you have car problems you shove your keys back in your pocket or bag, not wander the streets with them permanently gripped in your hand like some kind of consumerist talisman. She had them purely to make me think about the car and give credence to her story.


Rule Number Four - Do They Want Help Or Money?
She wanted some money to buy a fuel-can so that she could fill up her car. Again, she gestured down the road on her right (back towards Fulham). I then bowled a bouncer at her by stating that I was at a loose end for at least an hour, I could walk back to the car with her, sort her out with fuel and everyone's happy. She didn't like that. She said that it was a long way and the garage was in a different direction. And so on.


Rule Number Five - Beware The Phone-y Reassurance
She said she could repay anything she borrowed off me by sending money via PayPal. And she was
very keen to exchange mobile phone numbers, so that I would have her details and then be in a position to trust her. This didn't really make much sense to me, because all I would have would be a random phone number, most likely a cheap pay-as-you go SIM. Her phone was an ancient Nokia which suited her because it went with the slightly decrepit image (and also because it was practically worthless and easily replaced if lost, compromised or confiscated by the cops). Also, at this point, why not suggest they phone a friend? No doubt they would have no credit or some other sob-story.


Rule Number Six - Watch Out For Rapid Inflation
I had my suspicions about her story all the way through, but as I've mentioned, I want to see the good in people. It could be that she was telling the truth. How would I feel if my wife was marooned with no money? So I looked at how much money I had spare. She said that a petrol-can cost five or six pounds. I only had a spare tenner. Suddenly the petrol-can was actually nearer seven or eight. (For the record, a five litre can costs £5.99 from Halfords).


So in the end, wanting to believe her and being at heart a nice bloke (mug) I gave her a tenner. At which point, the rather superfluous Rule Number Seven kicked in and pretty much confirmed that she was a Con Artist: Watch Where They Go. All through the conversation the implied car was on her right (south) but as soon as she had the money she turned left (north) and headed towards the local Sainsburys. I popped into a nearby internet cafe to print something out for my daughter and meandered slowly back towards Fulham, pondering the likely con. While doing so, I saw The Con Artist heading south on the other side of the road. With some Sainsburys shopping. The cow.


I followed her discretely for a while but I lost her when she turned into the estate on Gibbs Green Close, next to West Kensington Mansions. The "Petrol Scam", as it is known, features as one of the fairly well-known cons in this article, but most instances tend to occur at motorway services and the scammer is a dodgy-looking bloke, not in London suburbs by an apparently slightly shabby and inept posh auntie.


I thought about contacting the Met Police but realistically they can't do much about it. She asked for a small amount of money and I gave her it on trust. Very much in that grey area between fraud and civil debt. On the other hand, if she was a serial offender then perhaps my experience would be of interest to them so that they could get some kind of ASBO/Injunction on her. But probably not. I took too long mulling it over and then decided perhaps the best course would be to explain what had happened on a blog, so that others could hopefully spot the warning signs of an impending con. Especially those accosted by a middle-aged cow in West Kensington.

Talk like an American

My wife & I run a youth theatre group and the kids often have to speak with an American accent. I know that there are many different types of American accent but we're usually happy with anything that sounds generically trans-Atlantic, rather than rigidly English.

It's generally the vowel sounds that change so I've dug out a load of vowel examples and hopefully got the right instructions to indicate how a Brit should pronounce the word in order to sound like some kind of a yank!  The highlighted examples are the most important differences.

The hardest thing here is trying to write down a sound that people who aren't linguists can recognise & sometimes the sound I'm trying to capture falls somewhere between sounds that a English person would normally use. Also worth noting is the fact that most of these are from the standpoint of being an English midlander who pronounces grass to rhyme with ass and not to rhyme with parse.

I've generally lengthened the vowel sounds by adding an 'h', turning the sound from 'a' (as in cat) to 'ah' (as in 'ah, I see what you mean') but not so much that it becomes "ar", like a pirate.

Obviously, any Americans reading this will be totally confused because they don't have English vowel sounds to start with.

Letters	Examples	US differences from standard GB	Example sound
e, ee	be, eve, see, meet, sleep,	slightly lengthened	meeel,  teeem
ea	meal, read, leave, sea, team,
ie, ei	field, believe, receive
i	it, kiss, tip, pick, dinner,	pretty much the same, very slightly lengthened	iht,   pihddee
y	system, busy, pity
e	let, tell, press, send, end,	slightly lengthened	leht,   dehd
ea	bread, dead, weather, leather
a	late, make, race, able, stable,	slightly lengthened	lehyt,   aayb'l
ai, ay	aim, wait, play, say, day,
ei, ey	eight, weight, they, hey,
ea	break, great, steak
	vase	Not an "Ar" sound (varss) but an "ay" sound	vayss
a	cat, apple, land, travel, mad,	slightly lengthened. "ay" sound is more southern than "ah". Try merging the two. Note: HALF is not "harf" but "haff"	caht/cayt,   mahd/mayd,   hahff/hayff
	last, class, dance, castle, half
ar	army, car, party, garden, park,	much the same, slightly lengthened, R at end is more pronounced	cahrr,  pahrrdee,  cahm
a	father, calm, palm, drama;
i, ie	ice, find, smile, tie, lie, die,	lengthened from 'eye' to more of an 'ah' sound, esp. "I am" = "Ah aym". The more you move from eye to ah, the more southern you will sound	fahnd,  smahl,  ahpplaah,  gaah
y, uy	my, style, apply, buy, guy
ou	out, about, house, mouse,	hard to write down the sound for this. It's like adding an almost silent 'ee' sound after the initial 'ah' to create a wider sound.	hah-ews,   nah-ew,   brah-ewn
ow	now, brown, cow, owl, powder
o	not, rock, dog, bottle, copy	longer sound, again more like an "ah" or an "ar" than a short "o".  Before an R the sound is rounder, becoming a longer "ohr".	naht,  dahg,  bahtt'l
o	long, gone, cost, coffee,		lahng,  cahffee
or	more, order, cord, port,		mohrr,  ohrrd'r
o	go, note, open, old, most,	slightly lengthened	goh,  ohp'n,  boht
oa, ow	road, boat, low, own, bowl
oi, oy	oil, voice, noise, boy, toy	pretty much the same, very slightly lengthened	nohys,  bohy
aw, au	law, saw, pause, because,	The closing "w" is less noticeable than in GB English, staying wider and more open. Again, the wider you go ("ah" rather than "oh") the more southern you get.	lohr/lahr,  pohrz/pahrz,  b'cohrz/b'cahrz
ought	bought, thought, caught,		thohrt/thahrt,  cohrt/cahrt
al, wa-	fall, always, war, want		fahl,  wahnt
	water	"Water" is actually shortened, not like our "wartah"	wohdd'rr
u,ou	use, music, rude, June, group,	pretty much the same, very slightly lengthened. Less of a pronounced "y" before the "oo" sound.	noohtr'l,  moohv
ew, eu	few, new, neutral,
ue, ui	hue, cue, sue, suit
o, oo	do, move, room, tool,
	duty, student, tune,	These have little or no "y" or "j" sound (djyewty, styewdent)	doohdee,  stoohd'nt,  toohn
	route	This has an "ow" sound like 'doubt', not an "oo" sound	rah-ewt
oo, u, o	look, good, gun, money, love	longer sound, more like an "er" or an "uh" than a short "u". More "er" gives a more southern accent.	lerk,  gerd,  mernee,  lerv
u	put, push, pull, full, sugar,		pert,  persh,  perl,  sherg'rr
ou	would, could, should		werd,  kerd
ou	tough, enough, rough,	Less pronounced "er" than the ones above, more of a soft "uh"	tuhff,   enuhff,   ruhff
er, ur, ir	serve, burn, hurt, girl, sir,	"ur" sound has a more pronounced R with a slightly longer vowel before it.  "Herb" has a silent "h" in the US.	surrv,  burrn,  gurrl,  surr
or, ar, ear	work, word, earth		wurrk,   wurrd,  urrth
	herb		urrb
	Other words pronounced differently
	schedule	UK = shedule, US = skedule	skehdoohl
	vitamin	rhymes with 'bite a pin'	vihytamin
	aluminium	US version loses the second "i"	ahloohminum
	mobile	the second syllable is shortened	mohb'll
	advertisement	stress on the 2nd syllable	advuhrrtizment
	leisure	longer first syllable, using "ee" instead of "eh"	leeezsuhre

1963 English to Italian Phrase Book - Required phrases for English travellers before mass tourism

In 1971 my parents went on holiday to Italy, taking with them the 1969 reprint of this phrase book, originally published in 1963... a time before cheap package travel, when the type of Brit abroad was more Ian Fleming than the Inbetweeners. Having said that, the typical Anglo abroad in this phrase book seems pompous and somewhat accident-prone.

Hearing that we were off to Tuscany this summer my parents dug out the phrasebook and I chucked it in my bag. It was to be my second trip to Italy - I also went in 1971 but being only 3 at the time I don't remember too much about it and was struggling with English, never mind Italian.

The first time I actually opened it to check out some words was like opening a portal into another world, where the typical Englishman & Englishwoman abroad expected the finer things in life and were constantly plagued by foreign inadequacies. And note, there's a phrase for "I am English", but any Welsh, Scottish or Irish can jolly well work it out for themselves. Or perhaps in 1963 the compiler, one Isopel May, BA, PhD, couldn't entertain the thought of such people actually travelling abroad. Here's a selection of phrases (I've left out the Italian translations) thought to be key for the English nob to get by in foreign lands. I particularly love some of the progressions of phrases as situations rapidly escalate; it's almost like a half-written sit-com.

"Italy is a country where many dialects are commonly spoken, even by educated people."

Miscellaneous Expressions
You are wrong
It doesn't work
I don't know anything about it
It's not my fault

Superlatives (examples)
He is the richest of all
She is the least intelligent of the girls

General Difficulties
I don't understand you
What do you want?
Please speak slowly
Is there anyone here who speaks English?
This book may help you to explain it
Wait, I am looking for the phrase in the book
My bag has been stolen
That man is following me everywhere
I shall call a policeman
Help! Fire! Thief!
Who are you?
I don't know you
I don't want to speak to you
Leave me alone
That will do!
You are mistaken
I will give you nothing
I didn't do it
Go away now
It is very annoying
It has nothing to do with me
I did not know the rules
What have I done?
I have already paid you
I have paid you enough
Let me pass, please
Where is the British Consulate?

Popular or Slang Expressions (some of these are shown in the original format at the end)
Surely not!
You don't say!
He's a trump
Cocky
Make it snappy
I don't care a fig
What are you driving at?
That's going too far
Damn!
Cheese it!
This is a rum go
That's all bunkum
That's the giddy limit

Restaurants and Cafes
"Meals in Italy consist of breakfast, lunch and dinner. Afternoon tea is not a regular meal."

We want to eat at once
Please give us the menu
This wine is corked
This does not smell good
This plate is dirty
I cannot eat this
This meat is too fat
These grapes are sour
I feel a draught
Please shut the window
Can we have steak and chips?
I have already paid for service
There is a mistake in the bill
Check it, please

Motoring
Do you do repairs?
I have had a breakdown
Can't you do it at once?
There is a knocking I don't understand
There is a rattling which I can't find
I have lost all my documents
Do not go so fast

Travel
"Tourists should note that Italians do not form orderly queues for buses and trains, but board them in a happy-go-lucky manner, disconcerting to foreigners"

The plane is twenty minutes late already
There is fog at Milan
Does it land anywhere on the way?
Steward, have you any cigarettes?
Bring me some cotton wool, please      [I really don't understand this one]
I do not feel well
Porter, here is my luggage
This is not mine
Don't leave this, don't forget that
No, I have nothing to declare
My luggage has already been examined
I cannot open my case
I have lost my keys
All these are for my personal use
I did not know I had to pay
I cannot find my porter
Have you seen my porter?
I have two first class seats reserved
I want a smoking compartment
Find me a corner seat by the window facing the engine
This seat is reserved
The numbers are the same
Someone has taken my seat
Excuse me, that is my seat
Find me another seat, please
Where is the guard?
I cannot find my ticket
Wait while I look for it
I have left my ticket in the compartment
I shall go and get it
I have got into the wrong train
Is there a hotel where I can stay the night?
Porter, I want to put this luggage in the cloak-room
I have left my umbrella in the train
Where is the lost property office?
Porter, take this luggage and find me a taxi

Hotels
"In most large hotels letters making inquiries or booking rooms in English will generally be understood; it makes a better impression, however, if the would-be guest writes in Italian. We therefore give below two sample letters which can easily be adapted to meet different requirements. For a prompt reply it is advisable to enclose an International Reply Coupon, which can be bought for 1s. at any Post Office."   

[Yes, before the internet made all this a doddle, we had package holidays and travel agents that sorted all this guff out for you, but before then, this is how you were supposed to do it.]

"Dear Sir, I have been given your address by Mr. X, who spent some time in your hotel last year. As I intend to spend a week at ... in the second half of July, I should be glad to know if you can give me a double room at that period and, if you can, what your terms per person are for full board, including taxes and service charge. I should also like to know if you make a reduction for children under 10. I enclose an International Reply Coupon."

"Dear Sir, thank you for your letter of June 2nd. I should like to book a double room for 10 days from July 20th. Please be so kind as to put into the room a child's bed for our little boy, who is 2. We shall take half board, as shown in you list of terms. We expect to arrive by train on afternoon of the 20th. We should be glad if you could arrange to have us fetched from the station where we expect to arrive at 6.25 p.m."

I wrote to you a fortnight ago
Did you not get my letter?
I asked for a second-floor room
Have you a room with a private bathroom?
May I see the room?
It is too small
Have you nothing better?
I cannot sleep here; there is too much noise
I do not want a room looking on to the street
I do not like this room
If you can't give me something better I must look elsewhere
It is too dear, have you nothing cheaper
Very well, I shall take this room
My luggage is at the station; can you send for it?
I am expecting a young lady
Please send her up at once
The chambermaid never comes when I ring
Are you the chambermaid?
I have lost ....... in my room
Please look for it
I want a bath
There are no towels here
The sheets on the bed are damp
Have you made the bed?
Please fill me a hot-water bottle
The radiator is not working
The radiator is too hot
The light is very poor
This bulb is broken
The wash-basin is dirty
I have some things to be washed
When can I have them back?
I must have them by Saturday
There is a button missing
This zip-fastener is broken
I have two pairs of socks to be mended
I shall leave my clothes at the door
Will you have them brushed?
Please have these shoes cleaned
My shoes are damp; have them dried
I left my shoes here; where are they?
These shoes are not mine
Can you give me some paper and envelopes?
I want to send a wire
I want to see the head waiter
Are you the head waiter?
Give me a window table
I have just had a wire; I must leave at once
Please have my bill made out
I have not enough Italian money
Will you take a traveller's cheque?
Have the luggage brought down

Renting a flat
How does one cook in it?
When does the dustman call?
Will it be possible to get a part-time maid?
"It is almost impossible to get a full-time maid in Italy now, but women working by the hour are fairly easily found."

Sightseeing
I need a guide who speaks English
How much should one pay the guide?
We don't need a guide
What street is this?
I am lost
Which is the way to the beach?
Where can we bathe?
You will be out of your depth
Is it deep here?
I cannot swim very well
Mind the jelly-fish

Sport & Entertainment
Are you going to the races?
Which is the favourite?
Two hundred liras to win on .....
Have you won anything?
My horse was not even placed
There is a ball at the casino on Tuesday
Must one wear evening dress?
Would you like to dance?
I can't dance the twist

Acknowledging that the less-well-off Englishman may somehow find his way to Italy, the phrase book has a section on:

Hiking & Camping
Can you recommend a cheap restaurant?
It is too dear; have you anything cheaper?
I should like to wash
Is there a Youth Hostel near here?
We are looking for a camping site
Can we cut across country?
We want to keep to the main road
We are lost
Where can I buy methylated spirit?
The ground is very damp after the rain
We are soaked to the skin
The road is blocked by snow
The rocks are covered with ice
The wind is getting up
There are often thunder-storms at this time of year
It is terrible weather

Hairdresser & Chemist
I want a shave
I want a hair-cut
I should like it short at the back and sides
I want a shampoo and set
I want a perm
I should like some brilliantine / lacquer
Can you give me something for diarrhoea / constipation / headache / indigestion?
Can you give me something for insect / mosquito bites?
My skin has been burnt by the sun
My skin is smarting; have you some ointment for it?

Shopping
"Some Italian shops show a notice 'ingresso libero'; this means that customers may walk round freely, with no obligation to buy. Chain-stores and Self-service shops are useful for shopping, as goods and prices are clearly displayed and a minimum of conversation is required."

Have you any fast film?
Will you develop this film, please?
The film is jammed
The knob won't turn
Have you anything bigger?
Have you nothing longer?
Can you make me a parcel?
Have you a piece of string?
That's exactly what I wanted
You have given me the wrong change
This colour is too loud
Show me something quieter
It is broken
Can you refund my money?
Do you sell English cigarettes?
Do you stock long-playing records?
My watch needs cleaning
The main-spring is broken
This stocking is laddered
Can you darn this?

Accident & Illness
There has been an accident
Someone has fallen into the water
He has been run over
He is losing blood
Who is responsible for the accident?
Can you make a splint?
I am feeling very ill; please send for a doctor
I have a pain here
I have pains all over
My nose is bleeding
I feel giddy
I have no appetite; I get indigestion
I think I have food poisoning
What is your charge, doctor?
This tooth aches
I have lost a stopping
My plate hurts

Miscellaneous
Is there a Protestant church here?
Will you cash this cheque, please?
What is the rate of exchange to-day?
I have a letter of credit
Can you give me some small change for 1000 liras?
I think there is a mistake in your calculations